Contra in 13:52

A lot of people are shocked at how terrible I am at video games. Now don’t get me wrong in the grand scheme of things I’m generally better than 90% of the population but when it comes to taking on the hardest of the hardcore I fail miserably. Games to me are more of an experience than a skill though, I like to be able to say “I played this, I tried that” and thus I lack the obsessive compulsive nature of absolutely mastering something.

That said I find myself totally engrossed by those who are willing to sacrifice sleep, sustenance and a healthy social life just to master a game to the point where they can brag about it. There’s lots of ways to prove this, the classic being high scores and leader boards, others doing impossible in game tricks (a list we’ll probably visit at another time) but probably one of the truest tests of a gamers skill is the speed run.

Equal parts memorization, twitch skill and flat out balls speed runners eschew the nature of the game, ignoring the surrounding of the game and act with the precision of a surgeon, doing whatever it takes to shave off those precious second to be known as the quickest player in their given game.

To me no speed run is as amazing as Contra. Originally cataloged in the pre Youtube era as being closer to 15 minutes the new record astounds just as equally. With kids of my generation remembering this as being one “hard ass game” that took most people 30 lives to finish both the relative ease that the Contra speed runs shows you can finish the game in is absolutely astounding but, as I’ve tried, almost impossible to duplicate.

Batman in 13:05

The Batman speed run is amazing simply because of the number of exploits and short cuts used by player. Why kill enemies when they become stunned and don’t cause damage when you give them a single punch? Why take a long router when hopping off certain walls will be much quicker? There’s even a sacrificed life at a boss in order to not waste time in a probably losing situation anyways.

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Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts in 42:05

Sometimes it’s all about audacity. Perennial entry to “hardest games EVAR” lists few people have even finished Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts let alone try to finish it as fast as humanly possible. The game is beautiful and fun but absolutely brutal in difficulty level and before you say something smart like “forty two minutes doesn’t seem so fast” please consider the fact that as difficult as this game is it’s only more devious in the fact that it forces you to play through it twice in order to finish it.

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Doom II in 17:56 and Quake in 13:46

FPS speed runs amaze me at just how one track the player is when trying to attempt these things. Health, ammo and enemies are absolutely ignored so long as the player will live to see the end. All there is to the runner is the perfect line to assure that they attain the right amount of ammo without sacrificing speed.

Doom Video

Morrowind in 7:30 and Oblivion 11:19

American PC RPGs are all about min/maxing, leveling, skill progression and such. Built on the bedrock of table top RPGs like Dungeons and Dragons they’re meant o be long affairs that offer hours of gameplay both in their main and “side quests” which is what makes these speed runs so shocking. With every move carefully planned out (you find the rundowns of why the player chose to perform the actions they pick) the Morrowind and Oblivion speed runs defy the genre they’re built in.

Super Metroid in 32:00

Super Metroid is a classic and one of the earliest examples of “segment breaking.” What this means is the speed runner often breaks how the game is suppose to be played out using exploits and glitches to access areas not normally accessible at certain points of the game. The Super Metroid speed run does it all, fighting bosses out of order, getting to sections that otherwise require certain powerups to be found first and just generally shattering the fabric of the game itself.

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Resident Evil in 1:09:17

Because speed runs are all about, well, speed players in them often eschew the non essential. Powerups, weapons and items that would make the game much easier are tossed aside in the pursuit of top speed. No speed runs exemplifies this more than the just over one hour run of Resident Evil which is completed with nothing more than a knife.

Super Mario Bros. 3 in 11:01

Here we have a tale of two speed runs. The one that took the internet by storm “Moritmotos” 11:04 is a true sight to see as he bounces off every cannon ball and enemy, takes no damage, kills Boweser in an incredible fireball fashion and racks up 99 lives in the process. However it was later revealed that the run was an edited frame-by-frame movie of a possible but ultimately ficticious run.The record has since been shattered both by non tool assisted (11:01) and tool assisted (10:29) times. Still the original movie is a blast to watch.

Megaman X and Megaman X2… at the same time! In 41:41

While this is an emulated run it has to be said. Two games, at the same time, played for speed. If this doesn’t amaze you you’re truly a cynical bastard.

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